Work,Career, and Life with MS

The year I came down with was in 2001 and I was 33. It was a very short 6 months later when the church that I was a youth pastor at fired me (as I wrote in my book, it had nothing to do with anything illegal, immoral, and most importantly un-Biblical on my part). The longest I have worked since then was just before we moved from NC to Iowa. I was the part-time webmaster for our church for 5 months.
It is hard to explain what it is like knowing that at the age of 34 you have been forced out of the workplace due to circumstances well beyond your control. I joke that I have been retired for 5 years. So why don't I work? Because of the various symptoms that I experience on a day-to-day basis.
The kind of MS that I have is called relapsing/remitting. What that means is tough I am very much better than I was when we lived in Washington, there are still symptoms that I struggle with every day to one extent or another. For the most part I can function without anyone knowing I have a chronic disease. I can go to church, family functions, work some outdoors (mowing, shoveling snow, etc.), drive, and some every day other activities and if you don't know I have MS you wouldn't guess that there is anything wrong with me ( I probably shouldn't do some of these things to the extent I do at times, but hey I may be chronically ill but not dead). I am now in remission from the harsher symptoms mentioned last week. When I struggle with mobility, thinking process, speaking and other symptoms it is called a relapse. I can relapse at any time and it can last anywhere from a couple of days to the rest of my life. Coupled with the extreme exhaustion is why I can't work full-time. I can't give an employer a guarantee I will be able to work every day and am just too stinking tired most of the time. Though I can do a good job of covering up when I am at in public it is when I am home that I crash. This is why MS is sometimes referred to as the "But you look so good" or "you don't look sick" disease. Most people just don't see me when I am down and out.
It has been a very difficult concept to put my arms around that the career that I had gone to college and then seminary will never be a part of my life. For a man who is supposed to be the bread winner it can be hard trying to explain this part of my life to people. I really didn't like moving because of this. I have to explain it over and over that I have MS and can't work full-time. Most people either look at me like "yea right-whatever" or "that's so sad" and assume I can't do anything at all.
I was talking to someone last week explaining that it is hard knowing that I still have the heart of a pastor but will never be able to minister with a completely healthy body. It would take a very unique place to allow me to be a pastor of something on a part-time basis.
I have tried some other things using my gifts and get paid to do it, but God just hasn't seem fit to open many doors. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had to minster in local churches like teaching adult SS, teaching men's classes from time-to-time, lead small groups, but none of that pays bills. So though I am thankful it is, quite honestly, hard too. The webmaster was something that God gave me out of the blue and that was pretty cool. I was back in a church, with pastors and others around AND it was a paying job, but it wasn't being a pastor. But it was something I am incredibly thankful for.
So what does the rest of my life look like in this area? I have no idea. There are so many unknowns, but that is OK. God knows and for the most part (90% most of the time) that is just fine with me. I know that He still has a plan to use me, and is right now, and so I rest in that fact. Will I ever be a pastor again? Will I ever have some kind of career in public speaking? Maybe I will write another book someday or some company will pick up some of my curriculum ideas. None of that is completely up to me and I may never get paid for any of those things either. But I do know without a doubt that as long as I am alive I be thankful for the opportunities God does give me. It just means that I will be financially better off in Heaven! :)