You can smell it can’t you? You can see it, touch it, hear it and even taste it. It’s cold outside and warm in. Some places will have a white one, while others will endure the brown Christmas. This time of year brings out the best in all people (at least that is what we want to think); even Scrooge lost his appetite for “Bah humbug!”
It is of course Christmas that I am writing about. It is that time of the year that we all come together to celebrate Christ’s coming as a helpless little baby. And what a celebration we have. We buy, or make presents for our loved ones. We have special music to sing and listen to. We write annual family “update” letters to our friends and families. We eat… a lot! Take your pick from cookies, pies, turkeys, hams, ducks, geese, cranberries, stuffing (what an appropriate name), and candy canes. We drink hot cider, hot chocolate, and eggnog.
The music of the season is one of God’s greatest blessings. We can go to church and listen to the choir. We can simply put in our favorite Christmas CD and listen to it over and over again. There are old time favorites and new songs that somehow capture the soul of the season too.
How much do we spend on Christmas lights? From the purchase of the lights to the electricity that keeps them going staggers the mind. But there they are. We are no different. Or should I say we tried not to be different. However, the outside lights hit a snag, blew a fuse or something so they aren't working. But we do have lights inside. On the Christmas trees (instead of one big one there are six or seven small tress) there are lights and even in the boys "secret" hideout beneath the stairs there are Christmas lights.
Every year though I feel more frustration than not. It’s not that I don’t like Christmas. It’s not that I am a Scrooge either. I love my family and they love me too. We are not rich people, but the presents are always good. I am not a big eater, but I do like the food. I can’t really sing all that well, but I do love the music. So what is my problem?
I have struggled with this dilemma for several years. When all the presents are opened, when all the food is eaten, when love has been given I sense that there has to be more, but what? As I have written the presents, music, food, family, and friends are all good. So why do I feel hollow inside? Why do I always think there has to be more? Why am I so frustrated?
This year as I was pondering this question the answer came to me. It is by God’s grace and mercy that He has helped me understand. The answer is Jesus. Well, it’s not actually that easy. Of course Christmas is about Jesus, no matter how hard some people try to ignore it.
When I think of Christmas I also think of Easter. After all there would be no Easter without Christmas. I think of what a Holy Night it must have been. It was a blessed night that changed the world forever. But I also think of how painful it must have been for The Father to look at His Son. He was saying goodbye for thirty-some years. He knew that one day that helpless baby would take on the sins of the world when He would be hung on a cross naked with nails through His hands and feet. I think that it is Michael W. Smith that says in one of his songs that “Jesus lived to die.” Jesus lived to die for me. I wonder how much I really appreciate what Jesus did for me.
Maybe it is because of the Generation Xer in me, but I also get frustrated because I want more. It is not gifts or food that I want more of. I want to go home. Not back to Iowa, because that is where I am this year. I want to experience Christmas with Jesus. I want to sit at a banquet table and eat with Him as the disciples did. I want to hear the heavenly choir sing praises to Him. And I want to thank Jesus that He was a baby.
I always feel a bit strange opening presents while celebrating someone else's birthday. It would be like having a birthday party for someone but they aren't there so we get each other presents to open. Everyone would think that would be a bit bizarre, but we do it at Christmas and don't think about it at all. Maybe we should decide that we need to give a present to Jesus-something of ourselves to Him.
I wonder what people would think of that? It would seem to me that maybe that would turn some heads and make people wonder about those strange Christians. "What did you get for Christmas?" "Nothing, this year I gave Jesus my pride to deal with." Or, "This year I decided to give Jesus more money, it is His birthday after all."
At second glance this frustration that I have is probably a good one. For me it is remembering whose I really am and where my real home is. So, for you I hope that you have a Merry Christmas, but I pray that you feel some of the same frustration I feel.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
MS and Marriage
When we first found out that I may have MS we looked up some information about it online. One of the first things that we found on the MS Society was that MS was like the uninvited, unwelcome "guest" that will never go away. If you could imagine having such a person in your home it would most definitely have an effect on the relationships you cherish the most. This is just the case with MS and marriage.
To say that having MS has not effected our marriage would be just silly at best, or completely lying at worst. It has. It has effected the way we interact, the way we communicate, the way we divide our responsibilities, the way we relate to one another, and so on.
It has been very difficult at times, and very rewarding at other times. Every marriage that has gone through similar circumstances, whether it be a chronic illness or cancer, or some other trauma knows the ups and downs that it brings. Dealing with the changes can either tear you apart or bring you closer together. I know we are able to say that though it has been challenging by the grace of God (and I mean that from the bottom of my heart!) we have been brought closer to one another because of the MS.
In the worst of times Nickie had to help me get dressed and undressed, bathe (not nearly as sexy as it sounds by the way), help me walk, get into and out of cars, etc. It was during those times that Nickie was my wife, but she was also my helper in a way that I was very uncomfortable with to be honest. To rely on someone that much is a very humbling experience and can lead to some very bitter feelings. It can also lead to feelings of such thankfulness. It was during this time that I truly understood for the first time in our marriage just how much Nickie loved me. And though that may sound like nice and all the fact of the matter is is that she didn't have to do any of it. There are stories of spouses leaving because the responsibility and burden is just too much and they don't want to have their lives bothered with it. Nickie had that option. In fact, there was times when I encouraged her to do so. It seemed as if it was so unfair that she had to sacrifice so much of her life and at such a young age. But to her this was living up to our marriage vows that we said before other people and most importantly before God. She meant every word and now was living it.
Our lives changed as far as the boys are concerned too. I was now the one at home helping to do homework, getting the boys to do chores and keep schedules and that sort of thing. This has been hard for me because I am not made to do this. So if I do it well it is because I have grown into the job. Nickie pitches in a lot to help and to encourage me.
I try to in turn help and encourage her. She is now the full-time employee, the "bread-winner" if you will. Nickie would work regardless of me being sick. But because she works full-time as opposed to part-time she misses out on some things that mom's do. It has been tough on her too. She likes to work, but she misses the school parties, helping with homework, being at home when the boys get home from school, helping out at school or church.
Sometimes communicating can be very trying. Nickie will ask me to do something and I will forget. She may ask me about something and there are times when I look at her with a blank face like she is from some distant planet. I don't remember things as well as I was did. She tries to encourage me to write things down and she will write things down for me at times. This can lead to some rather hostile responses on my part. There have been a lot of hurt feelings because of my unwillingness to admit I need some help in this area. I have learned, albeit a long process to be sure, by Jesus' example of humility. The fact is I need help and Nickie is my biggest helper. I need to be humble and accept that help in the spirit in which it is given.
There are times that Nickie is very lonely. It is hard when your spouse has an illness that not only effects your lives now, but will effect it into the future-it will never go away. I will never be the person I was many years ago. We don't know what our "golden years" will be like. We might not even have any "golden years" together. And if we do what will they be like? Will I be able to get around? Will I be able to communicate in any meaningful way? Will I even be alive?
These are questions the most couples don't think about. We take so much for granted. And who wants to really think like that anyway? We were forced to and I think we are better for it.
In the musical "Evita" she sings a song toward the end called "You Must Love Me". In the song Evita laments about her cancer and how this is not what her and her husband planned on. There were so many things they wanted to accomplish. There were so many dreams they had for the future. In the end they were not going to be to accomplish any of them together. She marveled at her husbands loyalty and love for her. The only reason he didn't leave her was because he loved her. He loved her not for what she could do, but for who she was. It was the best possible gift she could get.
In a way I feel like that too. Nickie and I had plans and dreams for our future and they have been altered, changed, or just no longer possible. And yet in spite of that Nickie still loves me and I know I love her more today than ever. That is the best gift we could ever give to one another.
To say that having MS has not effected our marriage would be just silly at best, or completely lying at worst. It has. It has effected the way we interact, the way we communicate, the way we divide our responsibilities, the way we relate to one another, and so on.
It has been very difficult at times, and very rewarding at other times. Every marriage that has gone through similar circumstances, whether it be a chronic illness or cancer, or some other trauma knows the ups and downs that it brings. Dealing with the changes can either tear you apart or bring you closer together. I know we are able to say that though it has been challenging by the grace of God (and I mean that from the bottom of my heart!) we have been brought closer to one another because of the MS.
In the worst of times Nickie had to help me get dressed and undressed, bathe (not nearly as sexy as it sounds by the way), help me walk, get into and out of cars, etc. It was during those times that Nickie was my wife, but she was also my helper in a way that I was very uncomfortable with to be honest. To rely on someone that much is a very humbling experience and can lead to some very bitter feelings. It can also lead to feelings of such thankfulness. It was during this time that I truly understood for the first time in our marriage just how much Nickie loved me. And though that may sound like nice and all the fact of the matter is is that she didn't have to do any of it. There are stories of spouses leaving because the responsibility and burden is just too much and they don't want to have their lives bothered with it. Nickie had that option. In fact, there was times when I encouraged her to do so. It seemed as if it was so unfair that she had to sacrifice so much of her life and at such a young age. But to her this was living up to our marriage vows that we said before other people and most importantly before God. She meant every word and now was living it.
Our lives changed as far as the boys are concerned too. I was now the one at home helping to do homework, getting the boys to do chores and keep schedules and that sort of thing. This has been hard for me because I am not made to do this. So if I do it well it is because I have grown into the job. Nickie pitches in a lot to help and to encourage me.
I try to in turn help and encourage her. She is now the full-time employee, the "bread-winner" if you will. Nickie would work regardless of me being sick. But because she works full-time as opposed to part-time she misses out on some things that mom's do. It has been tough on her too. She likes to work, but she misses the school parties, helping with homework, being at home when the boys get home from school, helping out at school or church.
Sometimes communicating can be very trying. Nickie will ask me to do something and I will forget. She may ask me about something and there are times when I look at her with a blank face like she is from some distant planet. I don't remember things as well as I was did. She tries to encourage me to write things down and she will write things down for me at times. This can lead to some rather hostile responses on my part. There have been a lot of hurt feelings because of my unwillingness to admit I need some help in this area. I have learned, albeit a long process to be sure, by Jesus' example of humility. The fact is I need help and Nickie is my biggest helper. I need to be humble and accept that help in the spirit in which it is given.
There are times that Nickie is very lonely. It is hard when your spouse has an illness that not only effects your lives now, but will effect it into the future-it will never go away. I will never be the person I was many years ago. We don't know what our "golden years" will be like. We might not even have any "golden years" together. And if we do what will they be like? Will I be able to get around? Will I be able to communicate in any meaningful way? Will I even be alive?
These are questions the most couples don't think about. We take so much for granted. And who wants to really think like that anyway? We were forced to and I think we are better for it.
In the musical "Evita" she sings a song toward the end called "You Must Love Me". In the song Evita laments about her cancer and how this is not what her and her husband planned on. There were so many things they wanted to accomplish. There were so many dreams they had for the future. In the end they were not going to be to accomplish any of them together. She marveled at her husbands loyalty and love for her. The only reason he didn't leave her was because he loved her. He loved her not for what she could do, but for who she was. It was the best possible gift she could get.
In a way I feel like that too. Nickie and I had plans and dreams for our future and they have been altered, changed, or just no longer possible. And yet in spite of that Nickie still loves me and I know I love her more today than ever. That is the best gift we could ever give to one another.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Work,Career, and Life with MS
The year I came down with was in 2001 and I was 33. It was a very short 6 months later when the church that I was a youth pastor at fired me (as I wrote in my book, it had nothing to do with anything illegal, immoral, and most importantly un-Biblical on my part). The longest I have worked since then was just before we moved from NC to Iowa. I was the part-time webmaster for our church for 5 months.
It is hard to explain what it is like knowing that at the age of 34 you have been forced out of the workplace due to circumstances well beyond your control. I joke that I have been retired for 5 years. So why don't I work? Because of the various symptoms that I experience on a day-to-day basis.
The kind of MS that I have is called relapsing/remitting. What that means is tough I am very much better than I was when we lived in Washington, there are still symptoms that I struggle with every day to one extent or another. For the most part I can function without anyone knowing I have a chronic disease. I can go to church, family functions, work some outdoors (mowing, shoveling snow, etc.), drive, and some every day other activities and if you don't know I have MS you wouldn't guess that there is anything wrong with me ( I probably shouldn't do some of these things to the extent I do at times, but hey I may be chronically ill but not dead). I am now in remission from the harsher symptoms mentioned last week. When I struggle with mobility, thinking process, speaking and other symptoms it is called a relapse. I can relapse at any time and it can last anywhere from a couple of days to the rest of my life. Coupled with the extreme exhaustion is why I can't work full-time. I can't give an employer a guarantee I will be able to work every day and am just too stinking tired most of the time. Though I can do a good job of covering up when I am at in public it is when I am home that I crash. This is why MS is sometimes referred to as the "But you look so good" or "you don't look sick" disease. Most people just don't see me when I am down and out.
It has been a very difficult concept to put my arms around that the career that I had gone to college and then seminary will never be a part of my life. For a man who is supposed to be the bread winner it can be hard trying to explain this part of my life to people. I really didn't like moving because of this. I have to explain it over and over that I have MS and can't work full-time. Most people either look at me like "yea right-whatever" or "that's so sad" and assume I can't do anything at all.
I was talking to someone last week explaining that it is hard knowing that I still have the heart of a pastor but will never be able to minister with a completely healthy body. It would take a very unique place to allow me to be a pastor of something on a part-time basis.
I have tried some other things using my gifts and get paid to do it, but God just hasn't seem fit to open many doors. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had to minster in local churches like teaching adult SS, teaching men's classes from time-to-time, lead small groups, but none of that pays bills. So though I am thankful it is, quite honestly, hard too. The webmaster was something that God gave me out of the blue and that was pretty cool. I was back in a church, with pastors and others around AND it was a paying job, but it wasn't being a pastor. But it was something I am incredibly thankful for.
So what does the rest of my life look like in this area? I have no idea. There are so many unknowns, but that is OK. God knows and for the most part (90% most of the time) that is just fine with me. I know that He still has a plan to use me, and is right now, and so I rest in that fact. Will I ever be a pastor again? Will I ever have some kind of career in public speaking? Maybe I will write another book someday or some company will pick up some of my curriculum ideas. None of that is completely up to me and I may never get paid for any of those things either. But I do know without a doubt that as long as I am alive I be thankful for the opportunities God does give me. It just means that I will be financially better off in Heaven! :)
It is hard to explain what it is like knowing that at the age of 34 you have been forced out of the workplace due to circumstances well beyond your control. I joke that I have been retired for 5 years. So why don't I work? Because of the various symptoms that I experience on a day-to-day basis.
The kind of MS that I have is called relapsing/remitting. What that means is tough I am very much better than I was when we lived in Washington, there are still symptoms that I struggle with every day to one extent or another. For the most part I can function without anyone knowing I have a chronic disease. I can go to church, family functions, work some outdoors (mowing, shoveling snow, etc.), drive, and some every day other activities and if you don't know I have MS you wouldn't guess that there is anything wrong with me ( I probably shouldn't do some of these things to the extent I do at times, but hey I may be chronically ill but not dead). I am now in remission from the harsher symptoms mentioned last week. When I struggle with mobility, thinking process, speaking and other symptoms it is called a relapse. I can relapse at any time and it can last anywhere from a couple of days to the rest of my life. Coupled with the extreme exhaustion is why I can't work full-time. I can't give an employer a guarantee I will be able to work every day and am just too stinking tired most of the time. Though I can do a good job of covering up when I am at in public it is when I am home that I crash. This is why MS is sometimes referred to as the "But you look so good" or "you don't look sick" disease. Most people just don't see me when I am down and out.
It has been a very difficult concept to put my arms around that the career that I had gone to college and then seminary will never be a part of my life. For a man who is supposed to be the bread winner it can be hard trying to explain this part of my life to people. I really didn't like moving because of this. I have to explain it over and over that I have MS and can't work full-time. Most people either look at me like "yea right-whatever" or "that's so sad" and assume I can't do anything at all.
I was talking to someone last week explaining that it is hard knowing that I still have the heart of a pastor but will never be able to minister with a completely healthy body. It would take a very unique place to allow me to be a pastor of something on a part-time basis.
I have tried some other things using my gifts and get paid to do it, but God just hasn't seem fit to open many doors. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had to minster in local churches like teaching adult SS, teaching men's classes from time-to-time, lead small groups, but none of that pays bills. So though I am thankful it is, quite honestly, hard too. The webmaster was something that God gave me out of the blue and that was pretty cool. I was back in a church, with pastors and others around AND it was a paying job, but it wasn't being a pastor. But it was something I am incredibly thankful for.
So what does the rest of my life look like in this area? I have no idea. There are so many unknowns, but that is OK. God knows and for the most part (90% most of the time) that is just fine with me. I know that He still has a plan to use me, and is right now, and so I rest in that fact. Will I ever be a pastor again? Will I ever have some kind of career in public speaking? Maybe I will write another book someday or some company will pick up some of my curriculum ideas. None of that is completely up to me and I may never get paid for any of those things either. But I do know without a doubt that as long as I am alive I be thankful for the opportunities God does give me. It just means that I will be financially better off in Heaven! :)
Monday, December 3, 2007
My Chronic Companion MS
Some of the best ideas come from other people. Let me explain.
A friend of mine wrote to me last week saying that she was glad that I had started a blog and was wondering if I was going to do any writing concerning my battle with MS. To be truthful I had not really thought about it. I don't like talking a whole lot about it because to me it gives this part of my life a bit more attention than I would like to give it-it gives more life to the MS. As far as I am concerned it is merely a part of my life and I don't want to be defined by it.
However, since she is one of my best friends I started to rethink my original position. So this is what I have decided: over the next few weeks I am going to give you an insiders look into what it is like to have a chronic disease. I will give you some history as to when I came down with it, and then I will address what it is like to live with it.
I will also write as to how this has affected my career, my marriage, and the boys. This in many ways is not going to be the easiest thing that I have wrote about so I ask you to pray for me. If you have any questions that go unanswered please let me know and I will do my best to answer them. So without further delay...
I remember the date quite well because it was our 10th wedding anniversary, November 2, 2001. This is the day that my body was going to tell me in some very obvious ways that not all was well. I was in our living room deep in thought (really) in front of the fireplace and Nickie came in to see what I was doing. To her frustration I did not respond. The problem was I couldn't. I could not move, I couldn't talk or respond in any way. Looking back it was as if I had had a stroke. With Nickie's help I eventually got up and started to walk around. I was leaning on her and it was like I had just come out of a very deep sleep.
This happened a couple of more times as the week went on and I was eventually taken by ambulance to the hospital. They couldn't figure out what was going on so I was transferred to a hospital in Seattle (at the time we were living in Enumclaw, Washington which is about a hour SE of Seattle).
The doctors there told me to seek the help of a psychologist. Nice! I was a head case. Eventually I saw a doctor that set up an appointment to get an MRI on my head. He was so concerned that he pulled a lot of strings to get the appointment that day!
That led to several months and a couple of years in different doctors offices. We heard everything from the I need to see a really good counselor, Lou Gehrig's disease, chronic fatigue, possible MS, probable MS, nothing at all, and finally a formal diagnosis in April 2005.
During the first two years I was really sick. Nickie helped to dress me, helped me walk, there were days that I laid around and couldn't do anything. These were very lonely days for Nickie. I would go for days that my cognitive skills were rather lacking-that is to say that I was not capable of thinking much less talking. These were the dark days and we are very thankful that those two years are over.
If you have any specific questions concerning the symptoms of MS visit the official MS association website. Next week I will let you know how living with MS has affected my career path and working in general.
A friend of mine wrote to me last week saying that she was glad that I had started a blog and was wondering if I was going to do any writing concerning my battle with MS. To be truthful I had not really thought about it. I don't like talking a whole lot about it because to me it gives this part of my life a bit more attention than I would like to give it-it gives more life to the MS. As far as I am concerned it is merely a part of my life and I don't want to be defined by it.
However, since she is one of my best friends I started to rethink my original position. So this is what I have decided: over the next few weeks I am going to give you an insiders look into what it is like to have a chronic disease. I will give you some history as to when I came down with it, and then I will address what it is like to live with it.
I will also write as to how this has affected my career, my marriage, and the boys. This in many ways is not going to be the easiest thing that I have wrote about so I ask you to pray for me. If you have any questions that go unanswered please let me know and I will do my best to answer them. So without further delay...
I remember the date quite well because it was our 10th wedding anniversary, November 2, 2001. This is the day that my body was going to tell me in some very obvious ways that not all was well. I was in our living room deep in thought (really) in front of the fireplace and Nickie came in to see what I was doing. To her frustration I did not respond. The problem was I couldn't. I could not move, I couldn't talk or respond in any way. Looking back it was as if I had had a stroke. With Nickie's help I eventually got up and started to walk around. I was leaning on her and it was like I had just come out of a very deep sleep.
This happened a couple of more times as the week went on and I was eventually taken by ambulance to the hospital. They couldn't figure out what was going on so I was transferred to a hospital in Seattle (at the time we were living in Enumclaw, Washington which is about a hour SE of Seattle).
The doctors there told me to seek the help of a psychologist. Nice! I was a head case. Eventually I saw a doctor that set up an appointment to get an MRI on my head. He was so concerned that he pulled a lot of strings to get the appointment that day!
That led to several months and a couple of years in different doctors offices. We heard everything from the I need to see a really good counselor, Lou Gehrig's disease, chronic fatigue, possible MS, probable MS, nothing at all, and finally a formal diagnosis in April 2005.
During the first two years I was really sick. Nickie helped to dress me, helped me walk, there were days that I laid around and couldn't do anything. These were very lonely days for Nickie. I would go for days that my cognitive skills were rather lacking-that is to say that I was not capable of thinking much less talking. These were the dark days and we are very thankful that those two years are over.
If you have any specific questions concerning the symptoms of MS visit the official MS association website. Next week I will let you know how living with MS has affected my career path and working in general.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)